Your vagina is ugly. Also, it’s not very good at getting you off. Thankfully for you and your self-esteem, the Good Doctors have come up with ways to finally make your vagina less like Screech and more like Zach Morris. Or, for the ‘80s-impaired, maybe less like Cher and more like Vanessa Hudgens. Whoever that is.

Sometimes scary things happen to vaginas. Like other people come out of them and stuff. When this happens, said vagina may become stretched, making sex less enjoyable for the lady or her partner.

Your solution: go to a doctor, give him/her some dollar bills, and he/she will tighten your vaginal muscles and restore them to how they were before your bundle of joy came into the world and messed your nether regions the hell up.

The procedure has a relatively quick recovery time, according to Dr. Bernard H. Stern’s Web site, a plastic surgeon in Florida.

“Women usually return to work three to four days after surgery,” said the site. “Most resume normal sexual activities in five to six weeks.” At this point, I want to say that as much as the thought of a scalpel going anywhere near me in general grosses me out, I do think that a positive mental state is essential to healthy sexuality. So, while I can’t necessarily imagine receiving these surgeries, I do appreciate what they are doing for women’s sexuality. Kudos ladies.

Stern also talks about two other types of vaginal surgery on his site, labiaplasty and hymenoplasty.

We’ll start off with labiaplasty. This procedure reshapes the labia majora and/or minora. This means something different for many women. Some ladies are unhappy with the physical appearance of their labia, i.e. it doesn’t look like Jenna Jameson’s, so the labia can be reduced to make them more “attractive ” – whatever that means.

Other women actually experience discomfort because of the size of their labia, so Labiaplasty can allow them normalcy in their lives.

OK, so here is where things get very, um, culturally confusing. According to Stern, hymenoplasty – the reconstruction of the hymen – can restore a woman to a “pre-sexual state.” So, from what I’m gathering, you can surgically snip and stitch your way back to virginity – which is fascinating for reasons both medical and psychological.

Although the procedures mentioned above are arguably somewhat necessary, there are those procedures that are, without a doubt, purely for sexual enhancement. Enter the “G-Shot.” I’ll admit it, when I had television, sometimes I would watch really, truly awful programming. My friends hated me for it. I hated me for it. One such self-hate-inducing program that came on (when “Law and Order SVU” wasn’t on) was “Dr. 90210.” On this great show, a very toothy and overly charismatic plastic surgeon (why he is sooo pumped for those butt implants?) has very tan people come into his office and talk about how miserable they are with their (insert sub-par body part here). And then he fixes it. It’s gripping television.

One day a very tan woman came into his office and started talking about this G-Shot thing. And then she got it. And then she had orgasms all over the place.

I had to know more.

First off, let’s talk about the G-Spot. According to my new favorite book ever, “Guide to Getting it On,” the G-Spot, also called the urethral sponge, is spongy tissue that surrounds the urethra (that tube that carries your pee).

“If you put your finger in a vagina and make a ‘come here’ motion, you are pushing into the urethral sponge,” according to the guide. “Some women find that this feels very, very good.” The existence of the G-Spot seems to divide the medical community. There are the people who believe it exists (probably women or people who have ever had sex with a woman ever) and those that don’t believe it exists (probably people like Screech). From what I can tell though, the success rate of the G-Shot, which is 87 percent according to the official Web site of the G-Shot, something must be going on down there.

Which is why the G-Shot was invented. The G-Shot is an injection of human collagen (a filler used by cosmetic surgeons) into a woman’s G-Spot to increase its size. By doing so, the G-Spot is more easily stimulated, causing a woman to have mad, crazy orgasms.

The shot costs about $1,800, but the results only last a few months.

But women are getting it, and they are loving it. The official Web site has testimonials from women who have received the shot and couldn’t be happier.

“’During my spinning class, I have this smile on my face and people think I am enjoying my workout, but actually I am sexually aroused,’” one patient wrote.

There are more of those, by the way. They are hilarious to read in funny voices in public places. Not that I did that or anything … I’m a professional.